Religion Introduction Follow up

**Sorry if this is a bit muddled. I wrote it nearly as a stream of thought.

I stopped going to church sometime in 1996 or 97 can't seem to remember exactly. The reasons are many. I believe one of the biggest came from a class I took in college - Anthropology. I started to learn of cultural relativity and the idea of ethnocentrism. For whatever reason, it opened my mind - for better or worse. My instructor also talked of how most all (if not all - I can't quite remember) cultures had a 'god' story or their own set of gods, etc. This all made me question religion as I was always taught. I had in my head that our way was the only proper way. I began to think that maybe just because other cultures did things differently doesn't make their way wrong. If that enters your head, it is really hard to be a Christian. To be a Christian you have to view every other religion as false and attempt to convert them. I found myself not whole heartedly believing other cultures were fully wrong and before you know it I fell away.

Now there were other things at hand here as well. Things like having to judge friends and family. I do agree that if you are to be a Christian one has to do these things as instructed by the Bible, but I found myself unable to do this any longer. Then I began to openly question God. Why did he create us? To worship him. Was he that lonely and insecure or vain? The thoughts get more galling, but I will tackle them individually.

My grandfather died that year as well. Most everyone thinks their grand parents are near saintly, but my grandfather was a wonderful, quiet, hardworking farmer, humble, meek, not a drinker, not a smoker, didn't use profanity, gave money away to many with absolutely no expectations of repayment, went to church every Wednesday and Sunday - the list could go on. The rub is he didn't belong to the Church of Christ. He wasn’t baptized properly in the Church of Christ. Technically he was going to hell. That was hard to swallow.

I must at this time explain that I believe the way the Church of Christ views and interprets the Bible is closer than any other religion. I do - end of statement. In spite of my falling away, I still believe they are closer in worshipping God properly than anyone else - by far.

Still, I questioned (and still do so) God. If I were to try to believe in God again and obey his word, I would do so by attending the Church of Christ again. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because I had walked away from the church it's dogma had left its mark and I couldn't just shrug it off. I couldn't like everyone else walk around going - He's in a better place. In my heart, I didn't believe it. Therefore I do believe there was a bit of rebellion in my heart as it filled with despair thinking my grandfather was in or on his way to hell.

Since then I anguish near daily over it. I reason where there will never be an answer. I only hope that if I am ever to get it right God will help me or someone else will say or do something that turns that light on again.

Background in Regards to Religion

I wasn't raised going to church every Sunday even though my mother professed a strong fear of God and did a good job of instilling that in me. She, however, lived a very promiscuous life. To her credit, she didn't really swear and never drank, but she did smoke until I was a junior in high school. She was very secretive of her relations with men accept when a couple lived with us. It wasn't until I was older did I learn some things about her sex life. I went to church steadily for a brief time when she was married for a short while. It was a small church and I enjoyed it. All other times I went to church growing up I attended with my best friend. It was always a church similar in beliefs to that of the Assemblies of God.

I, for whatever reason, always wanted to belong to a church. In hindsight, I think it was mostly because I rarely got to do things growing up. My mother and I were it. My father next to never paid support so we were really close to poor. Now to be fair, I had a decent,  albeit small, house. It was very clean. I always had clothes and food, but as far as material things and vacations - nothing! It wasn't until I was 11 and was working two jobs - one as a babysitter during the summer and the other a paper route that I could buy my own stuff. Things like CDs, cool shoes, money for the mall, etc. Still, I felt like I got to rarely do neat things. There was no instrument lessons, no summer camps, no leaving the state for any reason - at least with my family. It is for these reasons I believe I was very open to church. The feeling of belonging to something or a family. A family I never had. 

Fast forward to my sophomore year. I began to like a girl. Once we started going out her church came up a lot because she was unable to do a lot of things because of having to go to church. But she was reluctant to talk about it. She was almost ashamed of it or rather embarrassed by it. I told her that she shouldn't be and I would love to go with her someday. Finally, she reluctantly agreed. I believe she was reluctant for several reasons. Her church is the Church of Christ. If you know anything about the Church of Christ - at least conservative Churches of Christ - it is a hard church for people to accept. They are of the New Testament - the old testament is BASICALLY for history purposes and illustrating the character of God, but we are not bound by it's laws - not even the ten commandments. Now when some of the 10 commandments were restated in the new testament indeed we are then responsible to adhere to them. Also another big one for people to initially wrap their minds around is the church is non-instrumental. When you are a teenager, and your church is this different it is hard to think of a fellow high schooler accepting it, but I did. It took a while, but eventually I was baptized - another difficult thing for people. You are not "saved" or forgiven of sins until you are FULLY immersed in water. 

A couple years later, she and I broke up. I started dating another girl and she was baptized as well. I brought in two friends as well who were baptized. One completely fell away, the other (the one I mentioned earlier who used to take me to the Assemblies of God) still attends, but is a very weak christian. I have completely fallen away. I haven't attended in nearly 13 years. There are a few reasons for this and I will get to them later. This post is already quite lengthy. 

Can't leave it alone

Here I am again, watching the DVD my father-in-law made and I keep playing a section of my wife - then my girlfriend. They had gone to St. Martinz - some island in South America - I believe. Anyway, there are people there sunbathing nude. Well, my father-in-law took many opportunities to film these people. There is one time when he is filming a gal sunbathing topless and then he scans to his left for a close up of my wife smiling, then shaking her head and ends with her hand over her face as if to convey, "Dad you are pathetic. I don't know you." But she looked so adorable doing it. Man I want to go back. Her at 16...so long ago. It absolutely makes tears well up in my eyes. I am the one who is pathetic. But I cant seem to help it.

Passing time continued

I am married. I have been married for over 12 years to someone I have been with for 18 years as of March 18th, 2008. We met in high school - my senior year her sophomore year. It just amazes me all the time that has passed. The surprising thing is I have at least two others from my class who have been together just as long and the other longer - one happens to be my ex-girlfriend that I dated for two years in high school. But looking back only brings tears.

I just can't believe that I it has been 18 years. I graduated at 18 and now I have been out of school for 18 years. The age old question where did the years go? My wife's father recently put a vacation they went on when she was 16 on DVD - we had been dating 10 months at that time - and when I watch it and my heart just wrenchs. To see my wife so young, so sweet and I was her boyfriend at the time. It is so wonderful and sad to see. It is so weird to be in this situation. It is not like many people who meet in college or later and get married. They see old photographs of their spouses and they weren't a part of their lives. I was! I have been with my wife more that she has been without me!

She doesn't understand my longing for that time again. She is mature on the subject and has accepted that time marches on. She has decided to try and enjoy the now. I tell myself such things, but it is so hard. Perhaps in my case impossible. It is not just my wife. I look at her sisters - all the same age mind you. How? Well, one is a step-sister and the other is a twin. Voila, we have three sisters the same age. So I was there to see them grow up, marry, and have children. Her father was 45 when we met now 63. It is scary. I miss them being young. I miss being younger.

This is a little off point, but I believe one of the many reasons I long for the past besides the insecurity of the future for sure, but all the mistakes I have made just eat me up. Don't get me wrong I am good person. I just have fell short in so many ways. I have always wanted to be a teacher. I have many credits - no teaching degree. I have a computer degree, but it is not what I want to do.


There are so many reason for this. Perhaps I will in time flesh it out on this blog. Who knows? Anyway this is just one of my many random thoughts or situations that bring out such feelings. There will be plenty more. Plus, I will reveal many more of my own faults as well.

Hello and here we go.

Well, this will mark my first entry to my blog. There are a few items I wish to get out of the way. The first will be that I am not a very good writer. I aspire to be, but I am not and likely never will. Content is not usually too much of an issue. It is grammar. So please excuse me if I dangle some participles.

If you perused my information introducing myself you see I live in the past. I have a very difficult time looking to the future. Hold on a moment, let me state that I may get depressing in my posts. I am sorry. That is very much who I am and a big reason I started a blog in the first place. I needed a place to share my dispiriting thoughts so if you are easily brought down I apologize now and maybe you will want to move on. Those who do choose to stay I encourage thoughts - deep thought out thoughts. Also I would love to meet someone that thinks as I do. I have yet in my 36 years met my equal in this area.

Despair not though, I will be sharing many of my thoughts and they will all not be bleak I promise.