**Just a reminder. I am not a writer and I do not fancy myself as such. I hope I am writing coherently enough that things are readable, but I know there may from time to time be something a little awkward. I offer my apologies.
My wife and I have been together for nearly 19 years. We have been married for 13 years this month. She and I didn't have our first child until I was 29 and she was 26. So we were together for around 10 years before children entered the picture. In this time, we just lived day to day. We didn't really solidify a career and were always in and out financial jams, but since it was just us it really didn't bother us too much. Then she got pregnant.
I had accumulated around 70 to 80 credits at the local university over the years, but they basically sat there and still do to this day. However, about a year after our first son was born I went to the local community college to pound out a Computer Networking degree. This turn out to be useless in my home city. It was basically a barren wasteland in terms of IT work - plus it was not long after the bottom had dropped out of the whole .com thing. I just languished for several years thereafter leaning on my wife who became a nurse. She at the time didn't mind. I just became a full time dad.
She became pregnant again with our twins. She had them as I had intended to return to the university to finish a General Studies degree. The reason for the General Studies degree was because I had all those credits that really didn't fit anywhere, but music and I had decided that ship had sailed so the only real option left was the General Studies degree. That would be fine. I just wanted to complete my BS and go from there. Well, I had to interrupt this in the spring of 2006 because my twins were born.
I then became Mr. Mom again for a couple of reasons. The cost of daycare for two infants and the special needs of two premature babies. They needed intense care.
A year or so later, my wife met someone online that was an IT recruiter. She said she could help me find work and she did. I got a job as a QA Analyst. I liked the job, but I couldn't stop thinking about wanting to be a teacher. I also didn't like the QA thing. This bothered my wife. It was the first time that we both were pulling a nice paycheck and I was to some degree still complaining. In hind sight I shouldn't have complained and rode it out, but I couldn't seem to shake what was in my heart. As you might have guessed, I lost my job. I was unable to even get an interview for QA work because of my lack of experience and it has been nearly 11 months. I have gotten some other IT related work interviews, but have so far not been hired.
As I said this bothered my wife about my heart still wanting to teach. I do regret it. I should have just kept my nose to the grind stone for my family if not for me. What am I to do now? She was upset also because she liked the money and the fact she didn't have to work so much. She picked up lots of overtime to make up for my lost income. It was hard on her especially when just a few months ago we were sitting nicely when I was working.
There is more though about her working extra and my being home. I tried to find a job diligently for a couple months, but then I relaxed. She was working extra hours and I just kind of fell back into the role I had had for the last several years. She was quietly getting angry and I didn't see it. I really didn't. This was the way it had been and I loved being back with my family. However, she was getting really, REALLY angry. Again this was going on without me realizing it. Sad. I can't believe this was going on and I was to blind to see it.
This is a super brief background leading up to what recently had been going on behind the scenes. I will begin with the
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
It's my sons 8th Birthday
I didn't want my other post today to overshadow everything. It was just coincidental that I happened to decide to post on my sons birthday, but yep he is 8 today. Just like everyone else, I am amazed at how fast he has grown. He is a wonderful little boy. He is trying too, but I try not to blame him. He has ADHD. Those who truly have children with ADHD know the conflicting emotions that comes with this condition. Your child is medicated and they are wonderful, thoughtful, and sweet children. It is here you get to see their true heart. The moments they do such thoughtful things or say something that melts your heart. Then the medicine wears off and they are bouncing off the walls, hurting their siblings, having meltdowns, ignoring correction, and then you nearly snap. Regardless of their issues, it is still so hard to maintain reason. But, I adore him. He is my little buddy. I don't have any friends, well at least any in my vicinity. He is it. I would love to count my wife here, but she has taken a different course so it is really just my son and me. I have twin boys as well, but they are only two so it will be a while before they do what my big guy and I do.
It saddens me to think that I only have about three to five more years with my son. What do I mean? Well, I kind of think - through experience - that your children are more or less yours from birth until they turn about 11 to 13. Then you sort of lose them to their friends and activities. It is until around this age you are their first thought. You can be expected to be apart in some capacity in just about everything they do, but that all changes when they start hanging with friends more and definitely when they become interested in the opposite sex. I am not saying you loose them entirely, but your role shrinks rapidly. This is the way of life I know, but that doesn't mean it won't sadden me as I see it happen.
It saddens me to think that I only have about three to five more years with my son. What do I mean? Well, I kind of think - through experience - that your children are more or less yours from birth until they turn about 11 to 13. Then you sort of lose them to their friends and activities. It is until around this age you are their first thought. You can be expected to be apart in some capacity in just about everything they do, but that all changes when they start hanging with friends more and definitely when they become interested in the opposite sex. I am not saying you loose them entirely, but your role shrinks rapidly. This is the way of life I know, but that doesn't mean it won't sadden me as I see it happen.
A lot has happened since my last post
What do you do when your life has a paradigm shift? Something happen in the time from my last post that has turned my life upside down. I found out my wife doesn't feel about me like she once did. I have considered many times writing about this subject, but just couldn't decide if I wanted to. I couldn't decide where to begin or how - also whether I should. However, I really believe the real reason is the amount of what I want to say is staggering. It is for this reason I have decided to just begin. I have to chop it up into separate thoughts. They will not be in chronological order and they will be fragmented, but since no one has even read this blog who cares right?
This could be seen as a reintroduction. I am going to write a lot about my wife, but I will also interject thoughts of life and my children.
Plus, I may cover something that has really changed my view of religion. It is something that many people should easily embrace, but likely will not. It is the rational that there is not a hell most of us envision from our traditional view of hell from the Bible. Instead, those that are lost will die, no eternity except an eternal death, and those worthy will inherit eternal life. The Bible is really simple and clear on this, but because of Catholicism and Paganism it has been so ingrained in our beliefs it is nearly impossible for people to believe, but it is true. I will present the argument coming up.
This could be seen as a reintroduction. I am going to write a lot about my wife, but I will also interject thoughts of life and my children.
Plus, I may cover something that has really changed my view of religion. It is something that many people should easily embrace, but likely will not. It is the rational that there is not a hell most of us envision from our traditional view of hell from the Bible. Instead, those that are lost will die, no eternity except an eternal death, and those worthy will inherit eternal life. The Bible is really simple and clear on this, but because of Catholicism and Paganism it has been so ingrained in our beliefs it is nearly impossible for people to believe, but it is true. I will present the argument coming up.
Monday, March 24, 2008
Religion Introduction Follow up
**Sorry if this is a bit muddled. I wrote it nearly as a stream of thought.
I stopped going to church sometime in 1996 or 97 can't seem to remember exactly. The reasons are many. I believe one of the biggest came from a class I took in college - Anthropology. I started to learn of cultural relativity and the idea of ethnocentrism. For whatever reason, it opened my mind - for better or worse. My instructor also talked of how most all (if not all - I can't quite remember) cultures had a 'god' story or their own set of gods, etc. This all made me question religion as I was always taught. I had in my head that our way was the only proper way. I began to think that maybe just because other cultures did things differently doesn't make their way wrong. If that enters your head, it is really hard to be a Christian. To be a Christian you have to view every other religion as false and attempt to convert them. I found myself not whole heartedly believing other cultures were fully wrong and before you know it I fell away.
Now there were other things at hand here as well. Things like having to judge friends and family. I do agree that if you are to be a Christian one has to do these things as instructed by the Bible, but I found myself unable to do this any longer. Then I began to openly question God. Why did he create us? To worship him. Was he that lonely and insecure or vain? The thoughts get more galling, but I will tackle them individually.
My grandfather died that year as well. Most everyone thinks their grand parents are near saintly, but my grandfather was a wonderful, quiet, hardworking farmer, humble, meek, not a drinker, not a smoker, didn't use profanity, gave money away to many with absolutely no expectations of repayment, went to church every Wednesday and Sunday - the list could go on. The rub is he didn't belong to the Church of Christ. He wasn’t baptized properly in the Church of Christ. Technically he was going to hell. That was hard to swallow.
I must at this time explain that I believe the way the Church of Christ views and interprets the Bible is closer than any other religion. I do - end of statement. In spite of my falling away, I still believe they are closer in worshipping God properly than anyone else - by far.
Still, I questioned (and still do so) God. If I were to try to believe in God again and obey his word, I would do so by attending the Church of Christ again. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because I had walked away from the church it's dogma had left its mark and I couldn't just shrug it off. I couldn't like everyone else walk around going - He's in a better place. In my heart, I didn't believe it. Therefore I do believe there was a bit of rebellion in my heart as it filled with despair thinking my grandfather was in or on his way to hell.
Since then I anguish near daily over it. I reason where there will never be an answer. I only hope that if I am ever to get it right God will help me or someone else will say or do something that turns that light on again.
I stopped going to church sometime in 1996 or 97 can't seem to remember exactly. The reasons are many. I believe one of the biggest came from a class I took in college - Anthropology. I started to learn of cultural relativity and the idea of ethnocentrism. For whatever reason, it opened my mind - for better or worse. My instructor also talked of how most all (if not all - I can't quite remember) cultures had a 'god' story or their own set of gods, etc. This all made me question religion as I was always taught. I had in my head that our way was the only proper way. I began to think that maybe just because other cultures did things differently doesn't make their way wrong. If that enters your head, it is really hard to be a Christian. To be a Christian you have to view every other religion as false and attempt to convert them. I found myself not whole heartedly believing other cultures were fully wrong and before you know it I fell away.
Now there were other things at hand here as well. Things like having to judge friends and family. I do agree that if you are to be a Christian one has to do these things as instructed by the Bible, but I found myself unable to do this any longer. Then I began to openly question God. Why did he create us? To worship him. Was he that lonely and insecure or vain? The thoughts get more galling, but I will tackle them individually.
My grandfather died that year as well. Most everyone thinks their grand parents are near saintly, but my grandfather was a wonderful, quiet, hardworking farmer, humble, meek, not a drinker, not a smoker, didn't use profanity, gave money away to many with absolutely no expectations of repayment, went to church every Wednesday and Sunday - the list could go on. The rub is he didn't belong to the Church of Christ. He wasn’t baptized properly in the Church of Christ. Technically he was going to hell. That was hard to swallow.
I must at this time explain that I believe the way the Church of Christ views and interprets the Bible is closer than any other religion. I do - end of statement. In spite of my falling away, I still believe they are closer in worshipping God properly than anyone else - by far.
Still, I questioned (and still do so) God. If I were to try to believe in God again and obey his word, I would do so by attending the Church of Christ again. I guess what I am trying to say is that just because I had walked away from the church it's dogma had left its mark and I couldn't just shrug it off. I couldn't like everyone else walk around going - He's in a better place. In my heart, I didn't believe it. Therefore I do believe there was a bit of rebellion in my heart as it filled with despair thinking my grandfather was in or on his way to hell.
Since then I anguish near daily over it. I reason where there will never be an answer. I only hope that if I am ever to get it right God will help me or someone else will say or do something that turns that light on again.
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Background in Regards to Religion
I wasn't raised going to church every Sunday even though my mother professed a strong fear of God and did a good job of instilling that in me. She, however, lived a very promiscuous life. To her credit, she didn't really swear and never drank, but she did smoke until I was a junior in high school. She was very secretive of her relations with men accept when a couple lived with us. It wasn't until I was older did I learn some things about her sex life. I went to church steadily for a brief time when she was married for a short while. It was a small church and I enjoyed it. All other times I went to church growing up I attended with my best friend. It was always a church similar in beliefs to that of the Assemblies of God.
I, for whatever reason, always wanted to belong to a church. In hindsight, I think it was mostly because I rarely got to do things growing up. My mother and I were it. My father next to never paid support so we were really close to poor. Now to be fair, I had a decent, albeit small, house. It was very clean. I always had clothes and food, but as far as material things and vacations - nothing! It wasn't until I was 11 and was working two jobs - one as a babysitter during the summer and the other a paper route that I could buy my own stuff. Things like CDs, cool shoes, money for the mall, etc. Still, I felt like I got to rarely do neat things. There was no instrument lessons, no summer camps, no leaving the state for any reason - at least with my family. It is for these reasons I believe I was very open to church. The feeling of belonging to something or a family. A family I never had.
Fast forward to my sophomore year. I began to like a girl. Once we started going out her church came up a lot because she was unable to do a lot of things because of having to go to church. But she was reluctant to talk about it. She was almost ashamed of it or rather embarrassed by it. I told her that she shouldn't be and I would love to go with her someday. Finally, she reluctantly agreed. I believe she was reluctant for several reasons. Her church is the Church of Christ. If you know anything about the Church of Christ - at least conservative Churches of Christ - it is a hard church for people to accept. They are of the New Testament - the old testament is BASICALLY for history purposes and illustrating the character of God, but we are not bound by it's laws - not even the ten commandments. Now when some of the 10 commandments were restated in the new testament indeed we are then responsible to adhere to them. Also another big one for people to initially wrap their minds around is the church is non-instrumental. When you are a teenager, and your church is this different it is hard to think of a fellow high schooler accepting it, but I did. It took a while, but eventually I was baptized - another difficult thing for people. You are not "saved" or forgiven of sins until you are FULLY immersed in water.
A couple years later, she and I broke up. I started dating another girl and she was baptized as well. I brought in two friends as well who were baptized. One completely fell away, the other (the one I mentioned earlier who used to take me to the Assemblies of God) still attends, but is a very weak christian. I have completely fallen away. I haven't attended in nearly 13 years. There are a few reasons for this and I will get to them later. This post is already quite lengthy.
Can't leave it alone
Here I am again, watching the DVD my father-in-law made and I keep playing a section of my wife - then my girlfriend. They had gone to St. Martinz - some island in South America - I believe. Anyway, there are people there sunbathing nude. Well, my father-in-law took many opportunities to film these people. There is one time when he is filming a gal sunbathing topless and then he scans to his left for a close up of my wife smiling, then shaking her head and ends with her hand over her face as if to convey, "Dad you are pathetic. I don't know you." But she looked so adorable doing it. Man I want to go back. Her at 16...so long ago. It absolutely makes tears well up in my eyes. I am the one who is pathetic. But I cant seem to help it.
Passing time continued
I am married. I have been married for over 12 years to someone I have been with for 18 years as of March 18th, 2008. We met in high school - my senior year her sophomore year. It just amazes me all the time that has passed. The surprising thing is I have at least two others from my class who have been together just as long and the other longer - one happens to be my ex-girlfriend that I dated for two years in high school. But looking back only brings tears.
I just can't believe that I it has been 18 years. I graduated at 18 and now I have been out of school for 18 years. The age old question where did the years go? My wife's father recently put a vacation they went on when she was 16 on DVD - we had been dating 10 months at that time - and when I watch it and my heart just wrenchs. To see my wife so young, so sweet and I was her boyfriend at the time. It is so wonderful and sad to see. It is so weird to be in this situation. It is not like many people who meet in college or later and get married. They see old photographs of their spouses and they weren't a part of their lives. I was! I have been with my wife more that she has been without me!
She doesn't understand my longing for that time again. She is mature on the subject and has accepted that time marches on. She has decided to try and enjoy the now. I tell myself such things, but it is so hard. Perhaps in my case impossible. It is not just my wife. I look at her sisters - all the same age mind you. How? Well, one is a step-sister and the other is a twin. Voila, we have three sisters the same age. So I was there to see them grow up, marry, and have children. Her father was 45 when we met now 63. It is scary. I miss them being young. I miss being younger.
This is a little off point, but I believe one of the many reasons I long for the past besides the insecurity of the future for sure, but all the mistakes I have made just eat me up. Don't get me wrong I am good person. I just have fell short in so many ways. I have always wanted to be a teacher. I have many credits - no teaching degree. I have a computer degree, but it is not what I want to do.
There are so many reason for this. Perhaps I will in time flesh it out on this blog. Who knows? Anyway this is just one of my many random thoughts or situations that bring out such feelings. There will be plenty more. Plus, I will reveal many more of my own faults as well.
I just can't believe that I it has been 18 years. I graduated at 18 and now I have been out of school for 18 years. The age old question where did the years go? My wife's father recently put a vacation they went on when she was 16 on DVD - we had been dating 10 months at that time - and when I watch it and my heart just wrenchs. To see my wife so young, so sweet and I was her boyfriend at the time. It is so wonderful and sad to see. It is so weird to be in this situation. It is not like many people who meet in college or later and get married. They see old photographs of their spouses and they weren't a part of their lives. I was! I have been with my wife more that she has been without me!
She doesn't understand my longing for that time again. She is mature on the subject and has accepted that time marches on. She has decided to try and enjoy the now. I tell myself such things, but it is so hard. Perhaps in my case impossible. It is not just my wife. I look at her sisters - all the same age mind you. How? Well, one is a step-sister and the other is a twin. Voila, we have three sisters the same age. So I was there to see them grow up, marry, and have children. Her father was 45 when we met now 63. It is scary. I miss them being young. I miss being younger.
This is a little off point, but I believe one of the many reasons I long for the past besides the insecurity of the future for sure, but all the mistakes I have made just eat me up. Don't get me wrong I am good person. I just have fell short in so many ways. I have always wanted to be a teacher. I have many credits - no teaching degree. I have a computer degree, but it is not what I want to do.
There are so many reason for this. Perhaps I will in time flesh it out on this blog. Who knows? Anyway this is just one of my many random thoughts or situations that bring out such feelings. There will be plenty more. Plus, I will reveal many more of my own faults as well.
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